Thriving After Divorce: Keys to Preventing Re-Divorce as a Blended Couple #220

Are you ready to discover the importance of setting boundaries, fostering effective communication, and continuously improving your role within your stepfamily - through the power of the 3 L's?

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Looking for The Empowered Stepmom?

Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. Philippians 4:6

Chapters

• 0:00 Divorce Stats
• 0:42 Take Dominion!
• 7:58 Three Part Framework - God-Entrusted Sovereignty To You
• 11:20 When You Don't Know the How, Who or What to Pray
• 16:13 Listen & Learn & Live Victoriously with God!

Transcript

Jen Rogers : 0:00

Hey, there it's, jen. Have you heard the stats on divorce? They are astronomically high and they vary depending on who's telling you who's divorcing whom, when, what years, what decades, which country. Here's the point, the stats. Well, are you going to let the stats of 40 to 50 to 60 to 70 percent or higher divorce rates dictate your success rate, or are you going to choose God's word, god's way? When we align our decisions with the creator of heaven and earth, worldly stats are irrelevant In today's episode.

Jen Rogers : 0:42

Let's go back to the beginning, genesis style. Check out Genesis chapter 1, starting with verse 26. Then God said Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth. So in verse 27, we're told, god created man and woman in his own image. In the image of God, he created him Male and female, he created them. And in verse 28, we learn about all of the blessings. God blesses Adam and Eve and he says to them hey, get about your business, be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it. And take note, come on back to me. If you're multitasking, come on back to me. I know, in the land of podcasts, we are swiffering or doing laundry or changing the baby's diaper, or sometimes we find ourselves daydreaming because we're taking too much in simultaneously. So come on back to me.

Jen Rogers : 1:47

This is the most important part of this episode. God blessed Adam and Eve and, he said, have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on earth. Now, what do you think of? Oh, by the way, thanks for coming back to me. What do you think of when I say tell me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear living things that move on the earth, I automatically replace the word move with crawl and envision some creepy crawling things. Not necessarily the most pleasant things come to mind. Creepy crawling things Not necessarily the most pleasant things come to mind. How about you? Now let me ask you are your stepkids a living thing that moves on the earth? Yes, indeedy, they sure are. Now, if you have boys, they probably bring home lots of creepy crawling things in their pockets. Stepmama, just because having dominion over them your stepkids doesn't look the same as the dominion their mother has over them, it does not change the meaning of the word. In today's episode, we'll not only take a look at the definition of dominion. I'll share a three-part framework for how to apply God's command to take dominion over all that God has entrusted to us and yes, that means those creepy crawly things we call our stepkids. All right, let's get to it.

Jen Rogers : 3:12

If you are new to the Empowered Stepmom podcast, I am so grateful to have you here. Thanks for putting me in your earbud. Bye. Has your I do to your hunka hunka turned into an? I don't want to do this anymore.

Jen Rogers : 3:34

After you and his kids moved in together, are you an instant mom, instant stepmom, and you've heard one too many times that you're not a quote, unquote real mom. Are you tired of struggling with how to get these kids to listen to you, how to have respect in your own home, how to stop the teeny boppers from rolling their eyes at you or to get them to engage in well, I don't know even just a common greeting of hello? Well, if you find yourself answering yes to any of these questions, well, if you find yourself answering yes to any of these questions, chances are you are a stepmom or you know one, and you are here listening to the Empowered Stepmom podcast because you want real answers, not some pithy answers and some sort of I told you what you were getting into answers when you blended families. Listen, as you already know, blending families is extraordinarily tough and the real truth is very few people come in on the front end and say I want to get equipped so I can be prepared for all of the challenges I'm going to face once we get married and we all move in together. We just don't do that because we think that love is going to solve it all. And here's the real truth Love does not solve it all, yet. It is the key component that enables you to do all of the things that God is calling you to do when you blend your families together.

Jen Rogers : 5:00

Hey, I am your hostess with the mostest. I am Jen Rogers, and you are listening to the Empowered Stepmom Podcast. Now, if you're here because you're curious about what is going on with a stepmom that you may know, hey, you are welcome here because the truth is about half our families or more are in blended families and over 1,300 stepfamilies are formed new each day, and that means, if you are in church leadership, you have an awesome opportunity to demonstrate the love of God's Word to the families that are attending your services. So stick around to gain a deeper understanding of the challenges your blended families are facing. Hey, stepmama, this may be just one of several episodes that you could share with your church leadership to help them understand some of the unique challenges that blended families face. In addition to being a stepmom, a certified professional life coach, I am a pastor's wife and one of the things that my husband, bill, and I are passionate about is ministering to step family couples in your churches. If you are interested in learning more about how to invite me and Bill to come to your church to expand the opportunities available for blended family ministry, we would love to connect with you. There's just one thing you need to do to start Send me an email at friends at stepfamilypodcastcom and let me know that you are interested in talking about how Bill and I can come and minister in your church to blended families.

Jen Rogers : 6:37

All right, let's get started with today's episode. All right, let's dive into episode number 220. The majority of the content from this episode comes from episode number 189. All right, let's dive in by defining the word dominion. It's really short and sweet here. It is Sovereignty or control. Did you catch that? Or that doesn't mean and it is, or so which do you have? Do you have sovereignty or control? As a stepmom, we know you've got sovereignty, sister, friend. Now there are definitely some things that you can control in your own home, but, as you and I know, there's so much that happens outside of our homes and it's brought inside of our homes and we have little to no control over what the outside world is attempting to bring in. And that's why, here on this podcast, we focus on empowerment. We seize the sovereignty and the authority and the influence that we do have, because it is given to us from God. You being in your stepfamily is no surprise to the Creator of Heaven and Earth. He puts you there on purpose. So here's how it's going down.

Jen Rogers : 7:58

Today I promised a three-part framework for walking in your God-ordained, god-given, god-entrusted sovereignty. Before I dive, in the last couple of days, bill and I attended a conference at the seminary he attends, and it was so good. I pray that today's episode fills your cup, just as our cups were filled by the truth of God's call for us in ministry. Being a stepmom, this is a ministry, and if we borrow the teachings from the For the Church conference, that ministry is glorious. One of the things Bill and I chuckled about while listening to well-crafted sermons that declared God's truth over our calling was how often pastors use alliteration and three key points for sermons that usually begin with the same letter. I'm taking that same approach today. I'm implementing the alliterative strategy here for retention, and if you've been around these parts for a while, you know I absolutely adore alliteration. Okay, ready for the three parts of the framework. Unlike pastors who often use three words that begin with the letter P, as in Paul, I'm working with the letter L for love.

Jen Rogers : 9:12

Today. Here are the three L's to dominion in your own home Listen, learn and live. Listen to him, be fruitful and multiply and take dominion. Learn from him, study God's word every single day, live victoriously with him, implement his word. Sister, friend, that means take action. It doesn't mean read it and leave it. It means read it and apply it. Okay, part one listen to him.

Jen Rogers : 9:49

Going back to Genesis 128, god tells Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth. What does dominion look like? Earlier this week, bill shared a snippet of a sermon from Tony Evans, where Tony was sharing this very idea of dominion. God gave it to you, so that means you must invite him back into your territory. You're running the show right now. How's it going on your own? Do you need some help? Then ask our Heavenly Father to intercede and lead you to the next step.

Jen Rogers : 10:32

Now, if you don't know what to pray, here's the how. Okay, sometimes we don't know what to pray. Take a listen to Romans 8, 26. Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know what to pray for, as we ought. But the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. The Spirit is a spirit of supplication, it's a spirit of intercession. Paul goes on to tell us in Romans 8, 27,. That the Lord, who knows the hearts of you and me he says this, and he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints, that's, you and me, according to the will of God. So, when you don't know the what to pray, as you grapple with what sovereignty in your home looks like, you know the how and, incidentally, you definitely know the who to pray to.

Jen Rogers : 11:28

Since we're in Romans for two verses, let's tack on a third verse, the what becomes clear. We are praying for good, good in our homes, in our families, in our relationships, because Paul says in Romans 8, 28,. And we know that those who love God, all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose. Sister, you received authority from God. God's word has given you dominion, so listen to him and invite him into your territory. Okay, part two of the three-part framework with the alliteration of L Learn from him, study God's word daily.

Jen Rogers : 12:12

2 Timothy 3, 16-17 reminds us that all scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction and for training in righteousness, that the people of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. Let's apply that to what's going on inside of our homes. Are you giving your stepkids too much authority, even if they are adult children, no matter the ages of the kids? As a parent, you are setting the tone for the relationship. You have that dominion in your home, and the best place to get guidance for setting that tone of every relationship you have is tucked inside of God's word.

Jen Rogers : 13:00

I have had it ingrained in my head that there is one commandment that God gives us that has a promise attached to it, and that is children, obey your parents and the Lord, because this is the right thing to do, and, of course, this comes from not just Ephesians 6, but also from Deuteronomy, chapter 5. Honor your father and mother, because it's the first commandment, with the promise in order that it may go well with you and you may be long lived upon the earth. Hey, it is really easy, especially in the heat of the moment, to remind our children whether there's a step in front of children or not that they are supposed to honor their parents. Here's the thing. There are many scriptures where we are called to not exasperate our children, where we are called to love one another the way that Christ loves us. We are called to be kind and hospitable and generous. We are called to lavish love on one another as the people of God. So, regardless of what's going on with our kids, if we can make this decision at the beginning, to say we are going to practice, not do our best, because do our best, let's face it, sometimes we use that as a cop-out.

Jen Rogers : 14:24

I did my best. Well, keep practicing. Let's get better. If you have done your absolute best, congratulations. Better If you have done your absolute best, congratulations. Now it's time to build upon that success.

Jen Rogers : 14:38

I had a coaching call today and I was well, not exactly in a thousand pieces, but I was exasperated with this whole entrepreneurial process. I was really down and out and I needed my coach to help me pick me up off the floor. Maybe that's you right now. Maybe you feel like you are in a thousand shattered pieces on the floor. Maybe that's you right now. Maybe you feel like you are in a thousand shattered pieces on the floor. And not only that, but boots are crushing that glass even further into the floor and it hurts and you are exhausted and you are lonely and you are hurting. Stepmama, I want you to know that God does indeed see all of that and in the midst of the hurt and the harm and the disillusionment and the disappointment that you may be feeling, god's calling you to something greater. I know it's hard, it is absolutely hard, and when my coach was speaking to me this morning. There were certain things that I wanted to let her know, because I wanted to further explain why I was in the situation that I was in. Sometimes we need that and sometimes we need to get up and keep practicing. This is my encouragement to you right now, wherever you are right now. If you need a bit of encouragement, you can find that inside of our Facebook group, and if you're considering going deeper on this journey, head on over to stepfamilypodcastcom. Forward slash. Work with Jen. That's where you can apply to work with me. All right, let's keep going. Apply to work with me. All right, let's keep going.

Jen Rogers : 16:13

We have covered two of the three L's listen to him and learn from him. Listen to him, take dominion, take the authority that God has given to you. Learn from him by studying his word every single day. And the third L is to live victoriously with him to implement his word. And, as I mentioned early on, that means that we need to take action. I bet if I did a survey and asked you what is the number one thing that you think couples fight about in blended families, you would come up with one of two answers it would either be an ex-partner or spouse or the stepkids, and more often than not the answer is the stepkids.

Jen Rogers : 17:04

What makes blended parenting so ding-dang hard? Well, it has a lot to do with differing expectations. It has a lot to do with differing expectations, differing traditions, the inability to communicate effectively. Perhaps you're dealing with parental alienation from a biological parent that lives outside of your home. That's not cool. It makes things incredibly challenging. The kids have divided loyalties. Challenging. The kids have divided loyalties.

Jen Rogers : 17:35

The most important thing that God taught me on the journey to my own healing, after the shock of where is all the joy that I thought was coming when we said yes, is that the kids, when they come, they're coming from a position of loss. Whether a parent has passed away or whether there has been a divorce, there still is this foundation of loss and we know that the deeper the trauma usually the longer it takes to recover from that trauma. So the kids, even though they may look like they've got it all together or if you're like me, you got a thumbs up on the golf course that we're so excited that you're getting married and then thumbs way down, thumbs hidden in pockets, I mean. The thumbs did not come back out for a while. Let me tell you, regardless of where you are understanding, that the kids are hurting and they are dealing with the emotions in a body that may not have the same level of experience that you have in managing your emotions, and even if they're adult kids.

Jen Rogers : 18:35

Here's something else that I learned my kids. I was an empty nester before I started dating again and when I did, the dating part was okay, but moving into the it's getting serious part. There were challenges that my adult children faced and so many people said, oh, it must be easy for them because they're adults. It's not easy. Are you going to accept that step-parent as a grandparent when you have grandkids? What's going to happen when your biological kids get married and they have to have all the parents together and the parents don't get along. They don't like each other? What kind of angst might those adult kids be feeling? What if, when they come back home, it doesn't feel like home anymore, because essentially, there's a stranger in their house, because they've been out of the house and the last time they were in the house this person wasn't a part of the home, and now this person is a part of the home. How do they deal with that?

Jen Rogers : 19:33

So adult kids have challenges, just like the younger kids do, because this is a huge shift in the family structure and it's going to take some time and it's going to take a willingness to practice, a lot of grace and it also you can get there faster. If you're willing to do some work on the front end, if you are willing to get equipped on how you can navigate many of these landmines in co-parenting, you can get some help. And getting help is more than listening to podcasts and reading books. It's taking action on what you are learning and this is why, on almost every episode, I am going to exhort you to seek outside help so you can move faster on the inside of your homes, so you're not these broken shards of glass on the floor on a daily basis.

Jen Rogers : 20:22

So how do we live victoriously with him? How do we implement God's word in our blended families? Well, we must implement boundaries within our families and we must implement effective communication, and it really starts with you and your hunkahunkah as a couple to come up with the things that work best for you in your blended family. Now we know that women most often take the lead as far as gathering resources and acquiring tools and getting equipped. So take the lead. This is how you can live victoriously in him and implement his word in your own home.

Jen Rogers : 21:08

Couples who are in a step family and struggling with co-parenting are not alone. In fact, it is really a common struggle and it creates a lot of angst both in the home and out of the home, because when things are not going well in the home, that infiltrates every other area of our life. If you want some practical how do I navigate some of these challenges, you will love all of the episodes that we did in July and August Episodes number 178 through 187. There are 10 episodes on boundaries. If you are wondering how you can get your partner to set boundaries with his ex, or how can you say no to something guilt-free, or how to deal with some high-conflict exes, or how to implement a spiritual battle plan with tactics that actually work, how to communicate for peaceful co-parenting and how to stop normalizing toxic behavior, you are going to want to listen to all of these episodes. If you are about to blend or are newly blended, here's the first episode to listen to. After this one, head on over to episode number 116. In this episode, we distinguish between the two main types of parenting. And here's the thing. The reason this gets so hairy is because you may have different parenting styles with different exes, dependent upon the relationship, so you may have multiple parenting styles going on at once, and that just makes it complicated. Sometimes it's hard to keep track of all of those things. If you would like practical advice, head on over to episode number 116 to learn more about parenting styles and when you would choose which method. If you want more tactical information on implementing boundaries, check out episodes number 178 through 187. Number 178 through 187.

Jen Rogers : 23:20

As a woman now famous for the number of PSs that she leaves per podcast episode, here is the PS. Did you think I was going to leave without a PS? Hey, if today's episode helped you, encouraged you, inspired you, supported you wherever you are in your journey, would you consider leaving a five-star review? Listen Apple Podcasts. That is the place to be as far as leaving the reviews and growing the podcast. But I really don't care which podcast platform you're on. I am so grateful for you that you are listening, whether you're on Audible or Spotify or iHeart or any of the other platforms.

Jen Rogers : 23:49

I would so appreciate you taking the time to leave a five-star review and if your platform has a 10-star. Well, I'm going to ask you straight up for 10 stars. A special shout out to TRA Frank, who left a review saying, oh, I wish I had this resource earlier. My stepdaughter has grown now, but I know the challenge of being a stepmom and no one was talking about it. Thanks for sharing this, jen. Such important work. Tra Frank is right. This is such important work. Thanks so much for sharing how the podcast is helping you and other step-moms. Hey, if you would like to get your review featured on the show, you know what to do. Leave your own review. All right, thanks so much, and be sure to check out the next episode.